“It’s long been time for China to take its rightful place on the world stage of mass-market retailing hegemony”, said Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao, who will take on the additional title of CEO/Party Chief of the combined operations. “We intend follow in the spiritual footsteps of our visionary forefathers, Sam Walton and Mao Tse-tung”, said Mr. Wen, in a live broadcast from the company’s new headquarters in the Shenzhen. “Sam gave us ‘Low Prices’, and Mao introduced the concept of ‘Dījià lèsèràng qúnzhòng mǎnyì,” (低价垃圾让群众满意)which, translated literally, means ‘cheap crap to keep the masses happy.’”
Speaking on behalf of the Obama administration, the U.S. Secretary of Commerce, Gary Locke explained that “The deal had been a long time in coming. We’d been desperate to find a way to reduce the US debt held by China. We offered them GM (General Motors), but they said ‘No deal.’ We offered them Goldman Sachs and General Electric, but they refused to go into business with what they described as a ‘criminal organizations.’ We even offered them Mt. Rushmore, Disneyland the New York Mets – in return for a future draft consideration – but they weren’t interested. “
“We think it’s a win-win for both our employee associates, and our shoppers,” explained the former Wal-Mart CEO, Bill Simon, from an undisclosed location in China. “Our employees will go through a short re-education process, and our shoppers will be exposed to a whole new range of fantastic low-priced Chinese products,” including the legendary ‘Tiananmen Squares’ chocolate-flavored dog-byproduct extrusion snacks, the popular ‘Mela-Milk’ simulated dairy beverage, (‘Now with added Melamine’), and the ever-popular ‘Gong the Falun’ Chinese board game that allows players to simulate censorship, torture, no-public-trial executions, and indiscriminate religious persecution, all in the privacy of their own home. “We expect it to find a wide audience in America. Particularly in the Tea Party States. It’s the fun way to denounce your entire extended family.”
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